when i was 16, i started getting terrible headaches. they went on for a few months, gradually getting worse. i would get lightheaded, and when i would stand up too quickly, i'd lose vision. one morning, i woke up and realized i was seeing double. so i ran to the doctor. he did a bunch of neurological tests and announced that it appeared i had pseudotumor cerebri. it's a disorder with all the symptoms of a brain tumor, that is actually caused by excessive spinal fluid not being absorbed by the body, and putting pressure on the brain, specifically the optic nerve. he sent my mom and i rushing off to the hospital posthaste. there, i got to vomit in the cat-scan machine, and experience a (thoroughly) enjoyable spinal tap. they prescribed three months worth of steroidal anti-inflammatories and sent me on my miserable way.

now, the spinal tap worked, and my eyes went back to normal, despite some slight permanent damage on the left side. i think i may have had the worst adverse reaction to the steroids possible. i'll simplify by saying they almost killed me. it was the worst summer of my life, and once i recovered, i lived in terror that it would happen again.

the point of this story is that this disorder has been linked with another group of autoimmune disorders, in which the immune system kicks into overdrive and decides to destroy itself. i didn't know this at the time, but found out later after doing some research into family medical history. my sister came down with pseudotumor a few years later, and the doctors were stunned. it's not something that runs in families, and it's extremely rare. then, a few years ago, my sister was diagnosed with idiopathic thrombocytopenia, in which her body started killing its own blood cells at a rate faster than her kidneys and spleen could handle. she underwent months of treatment, including regular pheresis (like dialysis), and chemotherapy. my mom spent over a year dealing with acquired hemophilia, and also went through two rounds of chemotherapy. all autoimmune issues, all terrifying. while i've never experienced anything on that order since i was 16, it's still something i think about on a regular basis. there's not much scarier than your own body turning on itself.

so while i'm happy that i never get sick, i'm also a little frightened of it. and there you go. jenni ripley, lesser superhero.

lesser superheroes week is the polar opposite of sweeps week. during sweeps week, the discovery channel does a 'monster garage' marathon followed by a 'nature of sex, chapters 1 - 30' marathon. tlc does a 'trading spaces' marathon. and fox gets meatheads from socal to embarrass themselves (surprisingly not so hard).

but lesser superheroes week is different. all the freaks come out of the woodwork and hang around the legion of justice trying to get an in. it seems like each year the lesser superheroes become, well, they become lesser than the year previous. it became clear to everyone that holding an event in the shady side of town was going to bring out all the dregs of super-hero humanity. highlights from this year's mixer include: The Hooker sidling up next to Wonder Woman to ask her how she keeps her ass so tight, The Hustler trying to chat up Batman until he realized that Batman was still there with Robin. no one thought that The Junkie's syringe-as-sword was at all clever. when AngelDust took The Junkie's challenge and then proceeded to pound him into a puddle, everyone knew that the party must be near over. the lesser superheroes went back to their day jobs, the superheroes were planning their vacations so that they could successfully avoid lesser superheroes week next year.