I would like to report an egregious violation of animal rights. I can no longer remain silent.

My next door neighbors, the Allens, have left their pet unattended in its terrarium in the kitchen window while they have gone off to Aspen for a two-week skiing vacation. I have witnessed this unfortunate creature's suffering, and it tears my heart out. It used to have such a full, lush coat, and now it is brown and droopy. I suspect it will not make it much longer without your intervention.

Please, isn't there something you can do?

Sincerely,
Mrs. William A. Brighton
Concerned Citizen

he slid his finger under the side flap of the wrapping paper, worked the small square of scotch tape free, did the same with the bottom and then guided the box out of the paper and held it up for all to see. everyone laughed. at least that's how i imagined it happening. of course, he tore through the paper and when he saw the contents, a quizzical look ensued.

i tried hard. i mean, there was a $14 limit on presents this year. i figured that everyone would be buying cds and i didn't want to be typical. so while wandering around target, i found what i thought was the perfect under-$14 gift: a chia pet. or more specifically, a chia head. the freakish green sprout afro was too good to pass up. sure, the lamb made the most sense, but what fun would that be? even the lamb was too typical for me to buy. now the head, wow. that was something else.

i knew that he would never make the paste, spread it on the head all thick, water liberally and wait seven-to-ten days for something to happen. it would probably be kept for a month as a joke and then discarded like a used kleenex. i guess that next year, i'll get him celine dion's greatest hits like he wanted this year. sometimes it's hard to have family.

Shit, the two of them are going to think I am dumber than a Chia Pet for my lack of ability to post on time.