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| jenni |
Son, let me tell you something. There is so much fear and confusion in this modern world, yes there is. People are graspin' at whatever straws they run across in order to make sense of their lives. It's a damn shame, is what it is, when all the answers are right there before them. Plain as day. Forget about your chakras for a minute, boy. Just listen to me. You don't need no 'paradigm shift'. You don't need to get into the zone. Everything you want to know is right here in this book. It's the rules for life, y'see? Right here in these pages, you'll learn how to be a better person. How to be meek. How to turn the other cheek. How to love thy neighbor. And when all else fails, how to get about the smitin' but quick. Once you learn these ten simple rules, you'll be happy and fulfilled the rest of your life. How do I know, son? I know because I've been readin' it since I was old enough to sit on my pappy's knee. So just pay me some heed, boy, 'cause I know it to be true: the Holy Bible is the only self-help book you need.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah.
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| heather |
The sign said 'Help Yourself' so I picked up a plate and wandered in. Pressing my nose against the glass I reached in, grabbed the tongs and tried to get some cold peas from the salad bar. Who puts tongs in the pea bucket? This wasn't working.
"Can I help you with something?" He was a kindly looking older man with a trimmed beard and funny looking hat. "Naw, I'm good...just gotta wonder why you would put tongs in the pea bucket." I made a few more attempts, I like cold peas. "Nothing to it..." he plucked the tongs from my hand and deftly produced a pile of peas on my plate. Amazingly, it was exactly as many peas as I wanted. "Can I help you with anything else?" I was still in awe, but I declined his offer, "Thank you, but I think I'll be okay now. I think she could use some help though." I pointed out a woman staring blankly at the soup pots. She saw no labels and hadn't thought to peer inside. "When she puts forth some effort, then will I guide her to the soup she needs. Until then, I can be of no help to her." He tipped his hat to me and wandered off. I scooped some beets and looked up, surprised to see him gone. Back at my table, the brusque waitress with heavy breasts refilled my coke and I asked after the helpful man at the buffet. She looked perplexed, they did not have anybody stationed at the buffet to help with the peas.
"Looks like you did just fine helping yourself to the peas," she scoffed as she tossed a new sani-wrapped straw my way. In a way she was right, he really would only help those who were helping themselves.
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| jay |
i am so tired of self, help me please. self is tiring. in need of maybe some time with one of you fine fine females. yeah, maybe you. the one with the birkenstocks with wool socks, billowy indian-print pants, jingly belt, long sweater off one shoulder over a tank top, hair parted in the middle and then worn in a long braid down your back, dangley earrings, glasses too big for your face, canvas tote bag received for giving $30 to pbs during their fund drive, holding "i'm ok — you're ok in 2003". the problem with the self-help section at this bookstore is that none of them fine females want to help themselves to a heaping serving of me. why do they think i took this job? i'm barely literate. i just heard that chicks who can read are easy. i just didn't realize that those same chicks in the self-help section just want to talk and listen. i mean, that's all well and good, but it's not sexing. what about my needs? they don't care. they only care about themselves, and not helping me. not about me not one bit. i'm going to quit this thing and get me a job at the dairy queen. those girls are real cute and they're farm fresh. |
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