The other Bradys went on to whore themselves in commercials and direct-to-video releases. But Alice was no Brady. She was the outcast who retired to the tiny room off the kitchen every night. She donned the same precisely-starched blue dress every day of the year, excepting bank holidays and the rare vacation in Hawaii. Rumors about her relationship with Sam the Butcher were unfounded. Who had time? Not Alice.

Even though no one else in the entire world was a Brady, Alice was specifically Un-Brady.

In the darkness of her quiet room in that pious Christian community, Ann B. Davis dreams of the life she never had. Forever just outside the magic circle, an exile for eternity. Hushed bearer of all the family secrets, never to belong. Forever atoning for the sins of the Bradys.

'humph, spit, gag. this is the worst ann b davis appreciation day ever,' said ann b davis. 'i know now that going out on ann b davis appreciation day eve is a big mistake, especially when stamos is in town. that punk-ass drank up all the hennessy i had on my shelf, got drunk, called the olsen twins (collect, i hope) and now look,' she continued as i surveyed the room. in all actuality, it didn't look so bad. no vomit, just empty glasses and clutter. i think she was just feeling a little guilt that she didn't remember the olsens coming over and when she woke up as the meat in the middle of an olsen-sandwich, it was more than she could take. it was more than any of us could.

'i have people coming over and a dinner to cook!' she said to no one in particular, but it was probably directed at me.

she was probably also reacting to stamos' losing interest in the olsen twins pretty much as soon as they showed up. they didn't say a word, just sat there with those dumb smirks on their faces, but you could tell that they were dying inside. this is the first time that stamos had called them in months and then as quickly as he called them, he moved on to something else.

'and where the hell is stamos?!'

that was the $6 question. no one had seen him since he went out for cigarettes around 2am. this was just like him. he's the one who decided to bring in ann b davis appreciation day with a bang. we were all content to enjoy it with a big dinner and maybe a movie.

i could tell he was on all of our minds when the door flung open and he stumbled in wearing the body of some kind of fox, maybe. something. fake fur, in his size, though it was a little big around the waist.

'where the hell did you get that?'

'look, alice, get off my fucking back, i have the worst hangover in my life and this was the only piece of clothing i could find when i woke up. do you know how hard it is to get a cab in this town while dressed like maybe a wolf or something? i had to walk!'

'i most certainly do not. and it's probably a bobcat. do you remember anything about last night?'

'calling my precious precious twins. getting cigarettes. then it's all a blank after that. come here, girls.' the olsen twins rushed over and fell at his feet.

'i've read about those things in Presbyterian Missionary of South Texas Weekly. you were probably chloroformed by a roving band of furries in the 7-11 parking lot who then took you somewhere and performed indecent acts upon your person.'

'oh. yeah. that would explain the suit and the sore.'

'and the smell,' i snarkily added.

'you! why don't you just shut the fuck up?! i've pretty much had enough of you. you've done nothing but ride me from the moment i showed up.'

'because i knew you would just try to turn this day into your own and totally forget the reason for the season: ann. ann b davis! it's no one's fault but your own that you didn't get a holiday this year.'

i could sense that ann was about to snap. the olsen twins hid behind stamos' legs. stamos looked at her with those hang-dog eyes that we've all grown to hate. me? i didn't so much as sit as i fell back onto the only cushion that remained on the couch, when ann came out with, 'you've ruined ann b davis day! all of you! my day! ruined! i want you all out of my house!'

'but what about dinner?'

'OUT!'

and that's the last we saw of old ann, well, the last i saw of her anyway. and i doubt that old stamos went back. he was never one to apologize. we spent ann b davis day together, at the movies, while ann spent her own appreciation day alone, cleaning.